When you go through divorce, many things in your life will change: the amount of time spent with your kids, possibly where you live, your social life, your parenting. Your friends will change, too–for better or for worse. Awareness of this phenomenon is key: it will help you avoid some of the hurt feelings and sadness that go along with the loss of these people from your life. Your goal is to hold on to those ride-or-die friends that you can count on every step of the way. Let’s take a look:
>The Ghost
We all have that one friend who seems to quietly disappear after you tell her you are divorcing. This is a woman who feels like divorce is contagious and, in reality, might not be secure in her own relationship, so she stays far away. Interestingly, there’s a study that suggests she may not be wrong. Analyzed by Pew Research, conducted in 2013, the study found that having a friend or even a friend of a friend who has divorced means that you may be more likely to also. Read more about the study here.
Regardless, those are her issues to deal with, not yours. She was there for a season, for when you were both at the same stage of life, and when you were both happily married. Don’t take it personally–the season is just over. Be gentle with her–bid her farewell and hold no ill feelings. If she’s right for you, she’ll come around again in your life at a later time.
>The Nosey Nellie
This ‘friend’ only keeps in touch because she wants gossip. She doesn’t truly have your best interests in mind, and possibly is also still friends with your ex. You can continue to be cordial, but I suggest holding details about your new life close to the vest with this friend–it’s likely to be blabbed all over town, and perhaps back to your ex.
>The ‘Me, Too’ Friend
This friend is living or reliving her divorce THROUGH you. You are killing it and working on yourself–she never did and is oh, so stuck. She wants to hear all the dirty details of your divorce also–not for gossip–but to commiserate. In a way, this is not a bad thing. Everyone needs the one friend who has been through it and can say, ‘what a jerk’ to punctuate your sentences. There’s one catch, though–this friend isn’t healed herself. She relives her divorce every time you talk about yours. This is a friend to hold close, and help along the way. She needs you and your badass ways to help her get out of her own way and on to living her best life while you are living yours.
>The Ride-or-Die Bestie
This is your friend who is 1000% there for you. She isn’t afraid to call you out on your B.S., or to tell you what she really thinks about your latest plan to stick it to your ex [and talk you down from that ledge if necessary]. When you are at your lowest low, she’ll just know what to do–she will take your kids at a moment’s notice, bring you dinner or a bottle of wine and hang for a chat, answer your texts late at night–whatever you need, she’s got your back. She’s the one you will cry to or celebrate with [or both!] when your divorce is final. Hold on tightly to this one, friends–she’s the real deal.
>Your Divorce Coach
Your Divorce Coach also can be a lot of these things.. She can help you through the absolute overwhelm of information you receive in the process of divorce. She will listen to your fears about the parenting plan and give advice about what to include and what not to include. She can help you get a handle on your finances so you can negotiate in a way that is best for you and your kids. She can help you choose an outfit for court, or a date. She can also talk you off the ledge if you have sprouted [another] plan to try to stick it to your ex. Overall, a divorce coach is another valuable girlfriend to have in your arsenal and part of your tribe.
We all need supportive people around us during divorce. Work on figuring out who those friends are, and be sure to nurture those relationships. Don’t make it all about you and your divorce–return the favor by supporting them as well. You are building an AMAZING life, and you want them in it!
Are you ready to feel joy again, reclaim your independence, and chart a path toward healing and recovery? I would love to help you as you take those steps. I offer 1:1 coaching for those of you struggling with a difficult divorce. Let’s chat about how I can help you. DM me or sign up for a free consultation call. Click here for the link!!
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