So it finally happened.
That other shoe dropped. Your ex has a girlfriend. And whether he tells you personally, your kids tell you, or you hear it through the grapevine, it HURTS. It’s like the 2 in the 1-2 punch, the first being the divorce, this being the second. Right in the gut.
Statistically, men are more likely to remarry after divorce than women. And–not that this is a news flash–you can’t control what he does anymore. Maybe he sent you an email to tell you [extra points for a phone call], or the kids told you [minus points for this one], or you heard it on social media, or ‘around town’ [he loses the game on that one–you deserve more respect than that!]. Now the ball is in your court–how do you handle this with confidence and grace?
First, you probably have a LOT of feelings about knowing that your ex has a new main squeeze, like anger, hurt, jealousy, and fear. You will need to feel these feelings in order to get a grip on how to manage this new situation with grace and confidence. The key is, DO NOT act on them!
No matter what, you must resist the urge to stalk them on social media. Trust me, ladies–nothing good ever came of this! You will make yourself feel worse and it will all be for nothing. Also, remember that people only post things they want others to see on social media–you might make assumptions based on what you see that are totally incorrect. If you act on that, you might end up looking like a fool. Be very careful!
Talk to your therapist, a girlfriend, or your divorce coach about your feelings. Journal or meditate about them to get them on paper. Then, try a visualization technique to help yourself separate from them a bit. One thing I like to do is to picture all my worries and feelings as the seeds on a dandelion. Then I blow them all away and watch them disappear in the wind. Sounds hokey, but it works!
Resist the urge to compare yourself to her. Doing so can make you feel lousy and inadequate, and we all know you are NOT. Enough said.
>Here are a few other things you can do:
Distract, distract, distract! Get busy, girl! Make plans with friends, go on a mini-vacation, read a fabulous novel that you can get lost in, or binge Yellowstone [can you say Rip??] for an evening.
Do something to improve YOU! Finding your center involves knowing who you are and what you value. Do something to reflect that. Take an online class or watch TED Talks on YouTube. Some of them are incredibly inspiring. Go to the gym or for a run, or whatever gets your blood pumping. Exercise causes your body to produce endorphins, which are the feel-good chemicals for your brain!. This alone will lift your spirits.
Remember your kids. Don’t badmouth your ex’s girlfriend in front of your kids, regardless of whether she was a factor in your breakup or not. Those feelings are yours to share with your coach or counselor. If she was, and you have young kids, they probably don’t understand that and don’t need to. If your kids are older and that was the case, they may understand and will likely behave accordingly. If that happens, don’t pile on. Rise above and say only neutral things or nothing at all.
If your kids just LOVE her, you have to be ok with that too. I like to think of it this way: if they are a safe adult, who cares for your kids and treats them with love and kindness, then that is just a bonus. You have lucky kids for having so many loving supportive adults in their lives!
What if you don’t feel any of these things, and you are really, truly happy for him?
Then, sister, you are well on your way to acceptance and healing! Give yourself a high-five and celebrate! Maybe create a profile on a dating site…
Are you ready to feel joy again, reclaim your independence, and chart a path toward healing and recovery? I would love to help you! I offer long-term comprehensive coaching or one-on-one calls. Schedule your Coaching Curiosity Call today!